


Accidents Happen

by whatteam_voltron



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Gen, Post-Canon, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 05:58:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14687921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatteam_voltron/pseuds/whatteam_voltron
Summary: Apparently I am determined to supply this fandom with every possible scenario of Jared angst, because here we go again.It's past 2 am, and Evan gets a long message from Jared. Reality hits him when he realizes what it is.





	Accidents Happen

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry guys I'm posting again and deleting the other one because it didn't go up on the tags properly.
> 
> WARNING:
> 
> suicide attempt

"Dear Evan Hansen,

I've been thinking about the right way to do this for a while now. I almost did it the night after our fight, but I realized something.

You're famous for being the only friend of someone who killed themselves already. Your fans might get a little suspicious if it happened twice. You might have started getting hate mail, and yeah, I'm still mad at you and am known for running well on spite, but that's not what I want to leave you with.

So recently I realized: hey, accidents happen. No one will ever think it was on purpose if I just wrap my car around a tree. I'll be free of this bullshit and the world will be rid of me. It's really a win-win situation.

But I had to let you know. I guess I feel I owe it to you. It's ironic, since we are basically a team of liars, but I owe you the truth. Don't feel like you have to tell anyone else, though.

I guess I'll start with the good news: you can have my laptop. Her 16GB ram can eat your old piece of shit computer for breakfast. You might need it at college, and I would never let anyone else have her. I just gave it a factory reset so it's good to go. Just remember to take extra good care of her.

You can have anything else you like, too, I'm assuming my parents aren't going to care about keeping my video games and clothes that wouldn't fit them.

Now we get to the sappy part. I know, I didn't want to do it either, but it's a requirement for these things, isn't it?

I'm sorry I was always a piece of shit to you. I'm especially sorry for encouraging your lies and getting you into this mess in the first place. You were practically the best friend I could ever hope to have. You hold the world record for longest amount of time to put up with Jared Kleinman, congratulations, not even my parents can stand up to you in how much shit they take from me, what with the amount they avoid me. So don't feel all bad about this, it's really a miracle (or a pity, depending on how you look at it) I made it this long. All I do is push people's buttons until they snap, and you held out as long as you could. So thanks for that. Sorry again for being a dick, I always thought of you as my best friend. I can't explain why I acted that way.

I feel like there's a joke somewhere about the whole car insurance thing with how I'm about to crash it. Can't think of the right wording, though. I'll get back to you on that one, maybe if you pull out a Ouija board sometime. Anyways if you're curious, my mom never paid for my car insurance, that was more bullshit.

Sincerely,

Me"

Jared numbly smiled at the message that had gotten a little awkwardly long for a text. He took three screenshots of it in the notes of his phone, and sighed before sending them to Evan.

He took a deep breath before grabbing his keys. He was scared, he'll admit that. He'd thought about dying in a million different ways over the past few- if he's being honest it's been at least the past few months. He had no problem thinking about taking a bottle of pills or slicing his skin open and bleeding out, but something bothered him about the car. It was less precise, he didn't know what would happen, it might not kill him. It might kill him slowly and in the most painful way. There wasn't a whole lot of control. But then again, he never seemed to have control of his life so it only fit that he wouldn't have it over his death.

He went outside and got into his car.

********************

Evan had never been so glad to still be on his phone at 2:00 in the morning. Well, not glad. Relieved. Thankful. Not glad.

His phone was always on silent but the notification popped up in the corner. Jared had sent a picture. Two pictures. Three.

Evan crinkled his eyebrows. He wracked his mind for why Jared would send him something. Maybe it was to make fun of Evan again, to tell him he was an asshole. Maybe he was pretending nothing had changed between them and sending him late-night memes.

Maybe something happened with the Connor project. That thought gripped Evan's chest. He had to read it now, now that every bad possibility was racing through his head.

But _this_ , he never expected this.

It didn't hit him until the third paragraph, and he stopped reading. He could do that later, he needed to _stop this idiot right now_.

2:03  
**Jared:**  
_[Three Picture Messages]_

2:04  
**Evan:**  
_Jared!_

_Jared don't do this_

_Talk to me_

_Please_

He tried calling. He was pacing his room at this point. The phone rang and rang, until he heard Jared's voice.

"Hello?"

"Jared, oh my God, where are-"

"Hellooo?"

"What? Can you hear m-"

"Hello? I can't seem to hear you... just kidding, you fell for my voice mail. It's Jared, leave a message at the beep!"

Evan's heart shattered and his breathing picked up as he curled into a ball against the wall. He suddenly hated Jared for ever thinking that was funny, not when Evan finally calls Jared on his phone and hears it when _he might be dead_ and Evan thought- he thought he had got a hold of him before-

He shook his head and wiped the tears off his face, getting back to rapid texting as soon as possible.

2:06  
**Evan:**  
_Jared im beghing you_

_Pull over or something_

_We can talk_

_Im sorry for what i said to yoh_

_im not tird of you or givvingup you it wansnt yoy there was just a lot going on and its my fautl_

_and im sorry and pelase talk to me_

_don't do thsi_

Evan had been absolutely convinced Jared was already dead when his phone rang. It was Jared. He fumbled to pick up the call as fast as possible.

"Jared!" He yelled louder than he meant to.

"Hey, idiot, you're fucking up the plan here."

Evan let out a nervous half-laugh, half-sob. "I sure hope so, it's a- it's not a good plan!"

He could practically hear Jared roll his eyes. "If you keep texting me, that's gonna be the first thing they see on my phone, alright? Someone's gonna probably take a look at my phone, I left it unlocked so my parents don't look up my last messages through the phone company or some weird shit. I deleted the stuff I sent you off my phone, but if there's a bunch of weird 'don't kill yourself' messages streaming in, people will probably figure it out."

"Jared, I know you feel like things aren't going to get better, or like no one would care if you- if-"

"Would it work if I just block you?" Jared seemed to be mainly talking to himself at that point. "I think that might work." He took a shuddering breath. "Goodbye, Hansen."

Evan was panicking because Jared didn't even listen to _anything_ he was saying and _his friend was going to die and Evan will have done nothing to save him._

Talking about Jared wasn't helping, Jared had firmly decided to end his life, so he sputtered something, anything to get his attention.

"If you do this I'll- I'll down a whole bottle of my- my medication!" It was a threat, a low option, but he was desperate.

The words were followed by the sound of tires screeching on the other line.

"Jared?" Evan's head bombarded him with pictures of Jared swerving off the road, Jared hitting another car, Jared-

"Jared! Answer me!"

He heard Jared breathe into the phone. "You're bluffing."

Evan breathed a sigh of relief.

"I don't believe you'd do that. You're bluffing. I need you to say you're bluffing."

"Why, so you can k-kill yourself in peace?"

"Yes, thank you! You're getting it now!"

"Well, I'm not- I'm not bluffing. Went off my anxiety medication a while- a long time ago, I've got practically a whole bottle going to waste." He managed to push himself up and make his way to the bedside table to open his drawer, shaking the bottle into the microphone. Truth be told, he was pretty sure he was bluffing. Not that he'd let Jared know.

"But- no, you wouldn't just-"

"Kill myself? I- Jared, I didn't break my arm from falling out of a tree, I broke it jumping out of a tree because I didn't want to live anymore!" Evan never wanted to tell Jared that, but he had to play every card.

There was silence on the other line. Then, Jared, with a small voice, the arrogance and total confidence in his plan gone, asked "Why?"

"It doesn't matter. It was a lot of things, and I know how you feel, but it passes. Things get better, people care about you, so just- just come to my house so we can talk in person, alright?"

"But why-" Jared cleared his throat. "Why bother now? Why can't you just let me- why do you give a shit what I do?"

"People care about you. Here just- my mom's still at work again, come over so I can talk to you in person I- I hate the phone and I want to make sure you're not- gonna try- gonna do anything while I'm talking."

"Well I'm pulled over _now_ , I'm not gonna smack into a tree when I'm not moving."

"Just- Jared- just- get here. S-safely." The line was quiet for a moment. "Or else."

"Give me fifteen minutes." The line went dead.

***************

Jared hung up. He breathed in, breathed out. Slammed his fists against the steering wheel. "Fuck!" He yelled. The tears he was barely holding back before came freely now, and he started ranting through his sobs. "Fucking Evan Hansen couldn't just ignore my messages this one time, he had no fucking problem ignoring me any other time. And why was he awake at 2 in the morning? Fucking asshole, go to sleep some time. Fuck!" He ran his hands down his face. "Shit, I was supposed to- this was supposed to be over, I don't- he had to be bluffing he wouldn't do that over _me_ , I could still do it, but fuck, even if I know he won't, he'll think I thought he might and did it anyway. I'm- fuck you, Evan, fuck you!" He took another few minutes to calm down and then started driving again.

**************

Evan was watching out the window and bolted outside when he saw Jared pull in the driveway. He was practically ready to open the car door before Jared was parked.

Jared really wished he had just given him a moment, though. Evan, however, couldn't stop thinking how he had almost lost this boy in a moment.

"Jared!" Evan had yelled, almost too loud, as he opened the door. "Come on, come in."

He led Jared to the couch. "I- uh- I made you some hot cocoa and uh- there's a blanket if you want it, there's mozzarella sticks in the oven that are almost done, I- uh- after we talk we can watch that anime you kept trying to get me to watch, or we can make fun of bee movie or- or whatever you want. I have an Xbox- it's a 360 but just if you wanted to- play some games."

Jared had come in not knowing if he should express his anger at Evan for stopping him, build up a wall and show no emotion whatsoever, or laugh it off and try to make Evan think he was fine.

All those plans fell away as he saw all Evan had done for him in that little time. Evan even knew Jared's favorite comfort foods. His chin started to wobble and he did all he could to hold back his tears.

"We also have ice cream, it's not mint chocolate chip, but you like cookie dough, too, right?"

And Jared broke down. He couldn't say anything, just started sobbing. He hated himself for how fast Evan broke him, hated that all Evan had to do was set up a stereotypical girl's post-breakup night and Jared was reduced to tears.

Soon Evan hurried back into the room with the tray of mozzarella sticks. "Oh God, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have left the room, I just-" He drifted off, putting the snacks on the table, taking off the oven mitts, and sitting next to Jared, wrapping him in his arms.

Jared just bawled, unable to get words out for a while, each time he tried being ashamed at how his voice cracked, making him cry more. He didn't know why there were so many tears, why the mere thought of Evan going to all this trouble made him cry uncontrollably for this long.

"W-Why?" He finally managed to get out. He cleared his throat. Why do all this- for me?"

Evan found his heart breaking a little when Jared spoke. "It's what I would have wanted someone to do when- well, when I tried to-"

Jared suddenly removed himself from Evan's arms and distanced himself. "All the more reason to not do this for me. When you tried to kill yourself, I didn't even notice. Fuck, I made fun of you for it. I don't deserve all this, I deserve to d-"

"It doesn't matter what you deserve!" Evan put some of the cheese sticks on a plate with marinara sauce and handed it to Jared, who hesitantly took it. "I realized something recently. Or- yeah, when you called. I thought that all I wanted was someone to be there for me, that I wrote Connor into my story because I wanted to have a friend who was there for me after- the tree. But I think it was more about writing myself into his story, wanting to help someone else who felt... anyway, it was too late to help him, but I was so caught up on what could have been that-" He cleared his throat. "That I let you get to the same point. And I should have paid more attention and I shouldn't have- said some of the things I said to you. But I'm doing this because I want to, alright? Both sides are benefitting from this, so you can shut up with your crap of who deserves what."

Jared almost spit out his food at the end, and he was finally able to stop the constant flow of tears. "Damn, Evan means business tonight."

Evan nodded and couldn't hold back a smile.

There were a few minutes where they just ate in silence. Then Jared spoke again. "So is this just because I tried to off myself? I get to be a weird pity case that you get to feel good about helping? I'm just trying to understand- I- I didn't think you ever gave a shit about me? Like, you were popular, and had all these new friends, and you didn't care what I said or when I wanted to hang out and- and- but you remembered all my favorite things. I'm- I'm confused."

Evan grimaced. "It's not some- it's not a pity thing. I- Jared, I care!"

"But you only care because I tried to off myself, it's not- you never gave a shit until then and you never would have gave a shit. You don't like me, you're just trying to- I don't know, you want to be the friend you wanted back then. But some people don't deserve that. Just because someone tries to kill themselves doesn't mean they're a good person or that they _should_ keep living. Sometimes it's really best that they die. You should have ignored my fucking message, it would have been the best thing that ever happ-" His voice had started to get louder at the end, but he cut himself off when he saw Evan's eyes suddenly widen. He had said too much.

"If you think about it, Connor's death was the best thing that ever happened to you..." Evan mumbled under his breath. "I- oh my God, were you trying to- to justify- to ask _permission_ to kill yourself?"

"I- uh." Jared swallowed. "I didn't think you'd remember that."

"It was a pretty memorable conversation!"

Jared shrugged. "I assumed you forgot anything I said the moment you look away from me. I would if I could."

"Jared, I need you to know that- you- you're so important to me. You always were. You were the only one I would ever think to trust with everything that's happened this year, the only one who was there for me before I was- popular and- even- even if you acted like an asshole, you still did everything you could to help and never betrayed my secrets. You're the only one I've ever been comfortable enough to be annoyed with, you know? If I knew they weren't about to take it wrong and leave me forever, I'd tell anyone to shut up sometimes, so you're not- you're not some _nuisance_ I was putting up with. You've just always been a constant in my life, and I took you for granted. I didn't think it was possible to hurt you, or make you leave, or for you to- die. And I didn't appreciate you because I was so caught up in everything else, the Connor Project, new friends- but do you think I'd ever trust Zoe or Alana to like me and stick around after what I did? No, and you- you stuck around, and you even helped me build the lies. You're the only friend I know who would do that."

Jared sighed. "God, you talk about me sticking around, why would _you?_ I have spent my life pushing people away, being an asshole, probably due to some subconscious hope that they'd all leave so no one's upset when I die. And you never fucking got the hint."

"I- I got the hint, I just- I saw who you were underneath it, too. And I just- I enjoyed hanging out with you, the dumb jokes, the snark. You could be a little more aware that I'm likely to take your jokes against me seriously, but nobody's perfect." He gave a sad smile.

Jared sat in silence for a few minutes, merely finishing his food. It was just as Evan was inhaling to speak again that he quietly spoke. "I love you." He leaned back into Evan's arms and picked up the remote for the tv. "Let's watch one of _your_ favorites for a change."

**Author's Note:**

> As always, comments are super-appreciated. ♡


End file.
